An the scars remind me that the past is real.. I tear my heart open just to feel

You know.. Life has certainly taught me a lot. From what you learn in school, from what you learn from the outside world and well so much more. One thing life hasn't taught me but had to learn myself, is who are and are not your true friends. No matter how much you try to be there for someone and do what you think is best to help them... Some people like to just turn that around and well stab you in the back with it. You know twist your words around and just basically play the "he said she said" game. Make you become the bad guy to where, either no one trusts you or no one cares to hear what you have to say. All because of what was heard/said about you from another source and well not from the person themselves. In high school, I had few troubles here and there with that, but that was with people who weren't my true friends. If you really knew who I was, and actually cared what I had to say. You would know I would tell you how I felt and what was really happening. Now, flash forward. High school has been over for what? Three years now? and I'm still facing trouble with "he said she said" game. As many of you know. I was diagnosed with Bi-polar depression disorder, PTSD, and well several other different types of mental illness. I truly have not been myself (happy go lucky with no cares in the world) for quite a few years. An when someone, goes out of their way to well, make you depressed and upset. Well that just makes things even worse mentally. See I have been off my medication for about 6 months now. So I myself have not been doing so good. I've had episodes, and just complete days where I don't want to get out of bed and cry all day. Lately, I've been very very VERY depressed. An no matter how much I try to cheer myself up. It just doesn't budge my mood or what I'm thinking mentally. I have sought out for a therapist and have so far seen her once. Since moving out this way. Again going to see her on the 31st, and hopefully be able to see a psychiatrist to get back on medication. To be that  some what "happy go lucky with no cares in the world" person again. Although it will be just the medication talking but it won't really truly be me. I will be a "zombie" practically. Any who getting back to this what I wanted to be short rant that turned into a "blog". I TRULY am a loving, kind, and caring person. An WILL go out of my way, above an beyond to help or be there for my friends. Now, when I am there for you, I some what expect for you to be there for me as well. An have my back. But once you start going around spreading lies about things we speak of or twist words around to make it seem as if I said something. Then we have a problem. That is when you are on my "no longer will I help you, or be there for you" list. Over the last two and a half years. I've TRULY learned who my true friends are. Which basically leaves me with well, lets just say I can count them all on one had. An yes I've made new friends and they are awesome, but can I fully trust them yet? No. I can't, because a situation hasn't come up to where whether or not I can trust them. But as of lately, I've tried, and tried, and well tried to be the good friend, the comforter, the lean on my shoulder and spill your heart out while I listen. An if you ask for advice, I give you the best advice I can. An when you don't take my advice and still continue to make those mistakes or just think I'm to young to know and or are ignorant. Well then the advice stops. I'll still be there for you no matter what. But I will be listening instead of talking. Anyways I find myself going off track here and seems I'm not getting my point across. So here it is the "punch line" of this whole rant. If you can't be there for me and treat me the way I treat you, then don't expect me to do the same for you. There.. what a relief to get what I needed to say out in the open. So. If you feel that I haven't been a friend at all, well then there is your reason. The reason is, is because you haven't been a friend to me.